UGH...My trip with my mother has been more difficult than I thought. I don't know why I imagined that all the past problems we've had would magically disappear simply because we were in a different country. Some things never change but I guess I was just wishing and hoping for the best.
There were a few moments where we seemed to be really getting along well together, some even where I felt we were finally connecting (such as when we were walking around Cappadocia and we were able to have a conversation about penises). But most of the time, I wasn't so lucky.
Being with her this past week has been exceptionally emotionally draining. There's only so much disappointment in her eyes that I can see before all my little insecurities and and self-doubt creeps back in and consumes me. It makes me FURIOUS that I've worked so hard to be the best person I can be, to bring myself up and out from all my parents' disappointment just to see it in her eyes every day. I'm not mad at her for the way I feel. I'm mad at myself for allowing her to get to me and for allowing myself to feel small, insignificant and unloved again. This ISN'T me! Self-deprecation doesn't become me.
We've got another week left before she leaves. I hope for the best, but I'm not sure what the best is anymore. Send your good vibes our way, we're going to need it.
Lesson learned: stick to easy topics such as penises when talking to my mom to avoid any future problems.
© Connie Hum 2009